Ah, so mch has happened! On December 21 I went in to labor with my man child hehe. Well actually it was the 20th and I spent all freaking day at home in denial but it's all good and my mom was there which surprisingly worked out, I was afraid she would be all "suck it up, I had 7 kids without drugs." but she was cool. Mark and I have set our wedding date for June 17th, he is trying to postpone, but I told him it's over between us if he does. Oh, and he got us a place down south and we are supposed to have the net there, but Mark is such a liar I don't know if I believe him. But, whatever. I will update better when I have a better computer, this is my mom's crappy laptop.

I have not disapeared I just am super busy. Now I gotta go my sis is whining for me to smoke with her. Hehe.

I just finished an awesome book! MONSTER by Frank Peretti. I used to read his works all the time, but you know, stuff happens and then there is the small fact that this book came 6 years after his last one (which I read, Thanks Manda! Hehe) and I'm reading it 2 years after that. Hehe. Well, it was really thought inspiring and I read the interview with the auther at the end of it and was a little disapointed to see that he is now planning a '9-11' inspired book to go with the Darkness series. Yes, I know 'we will never forget' and crap, but has anyone stopped to think we, as a nation, may have got the wrong message? It took me a long time of soul searching before I got anywhere near this and if you know anything about me I'm a very out spoken person who thinks stuff through and tells it likes I sees it and I piss a lot of people off with my ideas, but here are my thoughts anyways and I firmly believe this so here goes: As I reread the account of the tower of babel and thought about what it means to us today. And as I thought of an old paster of mine recounting many gloomsday stories of Y2K it really fell into place for me. Yes, our nation is a naughty nation. We have abondoned God, we have saught to make ourselfs better to unite against him... and what is the unifing unit in this story? Money, so doesn't it seem only correct to assume that money is where God would choose to punish us? Look at us? Ever since that day we have been whining like little kids that lost their allowance. We saught a scapegoat and chose to start a war over it... and God let us have that little bit of fun, the damage is already done. Take a walk in the stores, or better yet, drive by a friggin gas station. Doesn't anyone stop to think that if we really were still one nation under God, he would have protected us from attack in the first place? Our own towers of babel have come down and even the Christian community doesn't even see it.

Okay, so enough with the rant, I gotta run because my lil Patsy has decided not to take a nap today and to bother anyone within earshot with her complainings. Grrrr, if only I was the only person here right now. Oh well.

This past weekend I had the incrediable joy of visiting my brother and dad in Pacific. On the one hand I'm glad that I am a pro at getting there now and no longer need a leader to get me there... on the other, well it's a guy's house and I'm a woman with 2 little girls? Even if you scrapped all the highly um 'errotic' posters off the walls then you have the 'awesome' entertainment setup that is quite the temptation to an 18 month old girl. Ecspecially when anytime music plays on the tv brilliant light displays are begging to be touched and enjoyed up close. Hehe. Add to that the fact every time you touch it 5 people jump on you and yell frantically 'no, Patsy, no!' and it's perty dern tempting to touch it as many times as you can. Hehe, I do believe I heard my lil sis (who had her weekend with my dad) ask my brother just what she could use to get the fingerprints off the tv. Oh okay. After spending 2 days I was so glad to escape back home where my kids promptly dumped grapes all over the livingroom floor with only "um, you girls are picking that up before bedtime you know." Actually, I don't think they did, but whatever, my house is childsafe. Heck, I went to my cousin's yesterday and her youngest is 2. We had a much more relaxing visit there. Come to think of it trips to the library and church are more of a treat than that was! Ack. Don't get me wrong. I love my dad and brother despite our rather bumpy past. I mean, they are family... but it's just stressful to be looked at as a hazard and to constanly be told that you are performing parenthood up to snuff. That they most terriffying children in the family are better behaved than your inquisitive children. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'd much rather have kids that smeared hdtv and knocked down surround sound, managed to delete the programs on direct tv and demand jingle bell rock be played in july than kids who have no problem calling their sibling a b*tch or beating up anyone who doesn't play with them. Seriously!

Ahhhhh, I am so lucky! Patsy fell asleep in the car on the way to the library and she didn't even wake up when I put her in her stroller. Woohoo! Hehe, so now I'm not playing drop the cup with her or whatever else crazy annoying game she creates to play on these trips.

Clara finally got her summer school money yesterday, but it's really stupid, because every other year of summer school they gave the kids $100.00 dollars, but this year they only gave $75.00 so I know I should be glad she got something at all and everything. Wait, but seriously, I mean... my cousin's kids got $100.00 at their school and they don't even count on that money to get the school supplies. I had to send a lot back at the regisiter because I somehow went over even though I was counting. In defense of my math skills, though, it is extremely hard to count tabs when you have a screaming child trying to flip out of the cart and hit you and all matter of trying things. And I'm speaking of the 5-year-old here. You, I can't stand that when your kid throws tantrums over stupid stuff in the store people look at you like you must abuse your kid for them to act like that. I know a lot of people say when their kids act up in public people feel sorry for them and it's embarressing. But, frankly, I'd rather people feel sorry for me than give me dirty looks and it's like your damned if you do and damned if you don't because you can't spank your kid for acting up like that (and don't they know it or else they wouldn't pull that ####!) because someone will yell child abuse. But, because you can't discipline them they act up and people stupidly think you must be abusing your kid because otherwise they would be an angel in public. HA HA HA. If anyone has figured out how to keep a kid from hitting them and yelling that they hate them and running out in the street in a fit of rage without spanking that little butt please let me know! I'm desperate! Kid's today are a little too smart too. Clara and I were watching Prince of Egypt the other day and she narrowed her eyes at the screen and asked why the grown ups were getting spankings. Argggg. Let me stop here and say that I do spank my daughter... like once a month, and that's only because about once a month she figures out that the threats to spank her are just threats, and then I have to stage  a situation that I know she will sass me over so I can spank her calmly, I'm horrible, I know. But, even big time spankers say don't spank in a rage, and the only way to not be in a rage is if it's planned. So, I plan... and it works okay, but obviously not well enough. Well, I had to explain that spankings are on the butt and beatings are on the back. I hope I did right by that but we are talking about the child who so plainly speaks her mind and does not sugar coat the truth. She announced to Mark's family after Patsy was born that Patsy came out of mommie's coochie and that mommie's coochie bled a lot. Ugggg! Talk about wanting to die! And then she told my side of the family that I let her smoke and Mark let's her drink whiskey! What!!!!!! Okay, here is the thing I caught her with a cigarette once and lit it thinking she would get a gulp and not want it, but she didn't know what to do so I proceded to blow smoke in her face. She won't touch them now! And Mark's sister left a mixed drink at our house one day and because it was mixed with orange juice and in the middle of the day so we didn't know and Clara wanted something to drink so we handed it to her. Well, when the kid started sweating profusly and crying that her tummy hurt we realized what it was... but it's not like we challenge her about who can down the most shots or whatever. kids put

I know, I know, what a loaded title today. But, life seems like it is loaded... and ready to off any minute. Tomorrow Mark has his divorce court date, again. I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's so not fair. I have been more of a wife to Mark than anyone has been and I have been there for him, stood up for him, encouraged him, been 100% faithful to him... and all I want is for us to legally be man and wife. Is that really too much to ask? Is it too much to ask that my children have their real and rightful father in their lives? My unborn child to have  his or her father there for the delivery?

And then there is the fact that I am now the last of my parent's children to reside in Jefferson County... not even my parents live here anymore. Yes, my mom has sold her house and moved. And I'm spending this new found aloneness to contemplate how broken my family really is. How broken it was all along. And what a mess of a mother I have become. Uggg.

Oh, and I just found out I have cervical cancer. I'm 23 (almost 24) and I have cancer? My doctor didn't do a very thorough job checking out the causes, she would have me believe that her educated guess of HPV is gospel truth. Well, HPV is a STD and when she said that I freaked and sent Mark for testing. Nope, notta sign of it. Okay, so what caused this? So, then I was reading THE WAY HOME, by Mary Pride, which is a good book if you can get past her 'joy of non-kinky sex' and how pleasing your man will make him gay part. Hehehe. But, she mentions that the birth control pill can give you cervical cancer! Yeaks. I believe it too. You don't know how sick even the low estragen pill made me. And it wasn't till after I started taking it that sex began to hurt so bad. actually the hurting start with Mark, but of course I've never had anyone who could reach that far back! I though the pain was from guilt so I just sucked it up and let it happen. Once you've lost your hymen, you have no right to hold back from your man, now do you? Even if I didn't lose mine by choice. Anyhoo. So, these gals at church told me I should have my womanly insides removed now to keep the cancer out and from coming back, what the heck kind of sloppy bitch advice is that? My doctor says that it is her hope that a vaginal delivery will knock out the cancer cells and that healthy tissue will grow in it's place. I have every intention of marrying my man and having as many children as God chooses to bless us with until such a time that my womanly insides give up on me. If that means this is my last child, so be it. If I have 3 or 4 more... okay. But, I'm not going to anticipate His plans and scrape out all that makes me a woman just because it MIGHT come back.

Anyhow, I guess that's it for now. I hope that I will be able to give better news next time! Life seems to have been throwing me so nasty ones lately... but I know that things will get better. I mean, I'm not dead yet am I?

I know, I know, what a loaded title today. But, life seems like it is loaded... and ready to off any minute. Tomorrow Mark has his divorce court date, again. I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's so not fair. I have been more of a wife to Mark than anyone has been and I have been there for him, stood up for him, encouraged him, been 100% faithful to him... and all I want is for us to legally be man and wife. Is that really too much to ask? Is it too much to ask that my children have their real and rightful father in their lives? My unborn child to have  his or her father there for the delivery?

And then there is the fact that I am now the last of my parent's children to reside in Jefferson County... not even my parents live here anymore. Yes, my mom has sold her house and moved. And I'm spending this new found aloneness to contemplate how broken my family really is. How broken it was all along. And what a mess of a mother I have become. Uggg.

Oh, and I just found out I have cervical cancer. I'm 23 (almost 24) and I have cancer? My doctor didn't do a very thorough job checking out the causes, she would have me believe that her educated guess of HPV is gospel truth. Well, HPV is a STD and when she said that I freaked and sent Mark for testing. Nope, notta sign of it. Okay, so what caused this? So, then I was reading THE WAY HOME, by Mary Pride, which is a good book if you can get past her 'joy of non-kinky sex' and how pleasing your man will make him gay part. Hehehe. But, she mentions that the birth control pill can give you cervical cancer! Yeaks. I believe it too. You don't know how sick even the low estragen pill made me. And it wasn't till after I started taking it that sex began to hurt so bad. actually the hurting start with Mark, but of course I've never had anyone who could reach that far back! I though the pain was from guilt so I just sucked it up and let it happen. Once you've lost your hymen, you have no right to hold back from your man, now do you? Even if I didn't lose mine by choice. Anyhoo. So, these gals at church told me I should have my womanly insides removed now to keep the cancer out and from coming back, what the heck kind of sloppy bitch advice is that? My doctor says that it is her hope that a vaginal delivery will knock out the cancer cells and that healthy tissue will grow in it's place. I have every intention of marrying my man and having as many children as God chooses to bless us with until such a time that my womanly insides give up on me. If that means this is my last child, so be it. If I have 3 or 4 more... okay. But, I'm not going to anticipate His plans and scrape out all that makes me a woman just because it MIGHT come back.

Anyhow, I guess that's it for now. I hope that I will be able to give better news next time! Life seems to have been throwing me so nasty ones lately... but I know that things will get better. I mean, I'm not dead yet am I?

I know, I know, what a loaded title today. But, life seems like it is loaded... and ready to off any minute. Tomorrow Mark has his divorce court date, again. I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's so not fair. I have been more of a wife to Mark than anyone has been and I have been there for him, stood up for him, encouraged him, been 100% faithful to him... and all I want is for us to legally be man and wife. Is that really too much to ask? Is it too much to ask that my children have their real and rightful father in their lives? My unborn child to have  his or her father there for the delivery?

And then there is the fact that I am now the last of my parent's children to reside in Jefferson County... not even my parents live here anymore. Yes, my mom has sold her house and moved. And I'm spending this new found aloneness to contemplate how broken my family really is. How broken it was all along. And what a mess of a mother I have become. Uggg.

Oh, and I just found out I have cervical cancer. I'm 23 (almost 24) and I have cancer? My doctor didn't do a very thorough job checking out the causes, she would have me believe that her educated guess of HPV is gospel truth. Well, HPV is a STD and when she said that I freaked and sent Mark for testing. Nope, notta sign of it. Okay, so what caused this? So, then I was reading THE WAY HOME, by Mary Pride, which is a good book if you can get past her 'joy of non-kinky sex' and how pleasing your man will make him gay part. Hehehe. But, she mentions that the birth control pill can give you cervical cancer! Yeaks. I believe it too. You don't know how sick even the low estragen pill made me. And it wasn't till after I started taking it that sex began to hurt so bad. actually the hurting start with Mark, but of course I've never had anyone who could reach that far back! I though the pain was from guilt so I just sucked it up and let it happen. Once you've lost your hymen, you have no right to hold back from your man, now do you? Even if I didn't lose mine by choice. Anyhoo. So, these gals at church told me I should have my womanly insides removed now to keep the cancer out and from coming back, what the heck kind of sloppy bitch advice is that? My doctor says that it is her hope that a vaginal delivery will knock out the cancer cells and that healthy tissue will grow in it's place. I have every intention of marrying my man and having as many children as God chooses to bless us with until such a time that my womanly insides give up on me. If that means this is my last child, so be it. If I have 3 or 4 more... okay. But, I'm not going to anticipate His plans and scrape out all that makes me a woman just because it MIGHT come back.

Anyhow, I guess that's it for now. I hope that I will be able to give better news next time! Life seems to have been throwing me so nasty ones lately... but I know that things will get better. I mean, I'm not dead yet am I?

I know, I know, what a loaded title today. But, life seems like it is loaded... and ready to off any minute. Tomorrow Mark has his divorce court date, again. I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's so not fair. I have been more of a wife to Mark than anyone has been and I have been there for him, stood up for him, encouraged him, been 100% faithful to him... and all I want is for us to legally be man and wife. Is that really too much to ask? Is it too much to ask that my children have their real and rightful father in their lives? My unborn child to have  his or her father there for the delivery?

And then there is the fact that I am now the last of my parent's children to reside in Jefferson County... not even my parents live here anymore. Yes, my mom has sold her house and moved. And I'm spending this new found aloneness to contemplate how broken my family really is. How broken it was all along. And what a mess of a mother I have become. Uggg.

Oh, and I just found out I have cervical cancer. I'm 23 (almost 24) and I have cancer? My doctor didn't do a very thorough job checking out the causes, she would have me believe that her educated guess of HPV is gospel truth. Well, HPV is a STD and when she said that I freaked and sent Mark for testing. Nope, notta sign of it. Okay, so what caused this? So, then I was reading THE WAY HOME, by Mary Pride, which is a good book if you can get past her 'joy of non-kinky sex' and how pleasing your man will make him gay part. Hehehe. But, she mentions that the birth control pill can give you cervical cancer! Yeaks. I believe it too. You don't know how sick even the low estragen pill made me. And it wasn't till after I started taking it that sex began to hurt so bad. actually the hurting start with Mark, but of course I've never had anyone who could reach that far back! I though the pain was from guilt so I just sucked it up and let it happen. Once you've lost your hymen, you have no right to hold back from your man, now do you? Even if I didn't lose mine by choice. Anyhoo. So, these gals at church told me I should have my womanly insides removed now to keep the cancer out and from coming back, what the heck kind of sloppy bitch advice is that? My doctor says that it is her hope that a vaginal delivery will knock out the cancer cells and that healthy tissue will grow in it's place. I have every intention of marrying my man and having as many children as God chooses to bless us with until such a time that my womanly insides give up on me. If that means this is my last child, so be it. If I have 3 or 4 more... okay. But, I'm not going to anticipate His plans and scrape out all that makes me a woman just because it MIGHT come back.

Anyhow, I guess that's it for now. I hope that I will be able to give better news next time! Life seems to have been throwing me so nasty ones lately... but I know that things will get better. I mean, I'm not dead yet am I?

For some reason Patsy isn't too fond of sitting in her stroller for long periods of time ONLY when at the library so my usual ramblings must be postponed until such a time that I can have more time. Hehe. Um, well. I have figured out a sneaky way to read my comments on here, still can't check my email some how though. Grrr.

I am so counting down the months till Mark is no longer on probation and HAS to have a 'real' job. I know a lot of people frown on it, but I think that cash paid jobs would be the much better option for our family because that's the only way we can get out of him keeping his ex's drugged up in style. Hehe.

Here is something though. I don't know what to think about this. Even though Mark is paying child support on kids that aren't his and that money is going towards illicit stuff Mark thinks that we should turn in the ex's and gain custody of the kids. However, even though I'm having no problem adopting children that need a home... I don't think it should be THESE children because it almost sounds like it's agreeing that all that money the state basicly stole from us it makes it okay, that we are agreeing with their decision to do that. Mark feels that because he has basicly been the only father these children have ever known that we should do all in our power to take them in. Okay and one other thing these children have been conditioned to treat me like shit to think of me as a homewrecker and trust me, it might look like that on the surface, but if anyone is the homewreckers here it's the ex's. I could never undo all the child raising damage done to these kids... but there is this little voice in the back of my head that tells me that it must be done. That it's what I need to lay down before Mark will get his divorce and I don't know what to think about this... is it ethical or moral for me to not desire taking in these children? It may only serve to be a constant reminder that these women got their way and lied their way to have money taken out of my children's mouths. Not that it ever did that much damage, I mean I'm probably the most frugal, most resourceful person out there... well close... but the point still stands My children have been stolen from, and then should I be expected to take the thieves in themselves and clothe them and feed them? Even though I was raised a preacher's kid, behaving Christianly has so many gray areas and I don't deal well with gray areas. It must be black or white. Is this a right vs. wrong issue or am I just being a little bitchy and need to lay my selfish desires down here?